Freaks, squeaks and geeks

As promised in my last post, I’m back with a run down of some of this year’s kooky contenders for the Eurovision trophy.

Our girl
Jade Ewen - It’s My Time
I’ll start with the UK entry, as I’m not sure many people watched the crappy BBC1 campfest hosted by Graham Norton and Andrew Lloyd Webber on which she was crowned.

She absolutely stunning in a gentle Leona Lewis kind of way, and a competent singer (although not quite as impressive as Leona). Unfortunately the song (a lame ballad written by the Phantom of the Opera himself) is sooo dull and doesn’t suit her or the competition.

I’m pretty sure she’s not going to win because everyone hates us, plus we can’t afford it anyway given the bad news in this year’s Budget and the squillions we’re spending on the Olympics, so it’s just as well really.

Ones to watch
Hadise - Dum Tek Tek (Turkey)
No surprises from Turkey, but who needs them when they’ve obviously got the formula down pat:
Sexy girl + belly dancing + bangin’ Turkish beats = success!
I love love love the song. The lyrics are cheesier than a cheese and wine party at Cheddar Gorge, but it’s so catchy you won’t care. Not sure where Turkey stand politically this year, so whether or not they’ll get the votes they deserve is anyone’s guess, but this one’s a winner for me!

Sakis Rouvas - This is our night (Greece)
This europop/dance stomper has a brilliant beat. The song itself isn’t very original but the production sounds pretty up to date and it’s a real dancefloor filler. The lyrics are a bit clunky, but it’s totally hum-able. I’m still on the fence about Sakis’ fittie credentials. On first look, he’s a bit like GMTV’s Ben Shepard. This one’s a grower.

Camper than Christmas
Zoli Adok - Dance with Me (Hungary)
The video for this one features sailor suits, space men and circus performers, as well as lots and lots of glitter. Classic Eurovision, but sadly the song isn’t the best. It’s incredibly cheesy but not an ideal singalong.

Andrea Demirovic - Just Get Out of my Life (Montenegro)
This disco dolly borrows a riff from Donna Summer’s ‘Hot Stuff’, but butchers it with bad lyrics. Andrea is all playsuits, stilettos and big hair (LOVE IT!) and has a gaggle of muscle men dancing around her, but it’s not enough to distract from her terrible screeching.

The Toppers - Shine (Netherlands)
So this is what would happen if the Three Tenors had done disco! The Toppers are three middle aged men who wear sparkly silver blazers and dance and sing like your dad. Here’s the thing though - their song is absolutely fab!

It starts off a bit slow but builds to a brilliant crescendo. It’s pure fromage, but it’s sort of anthemic, you can see it being played at G.A.Y right after ‘I am what I am’. We need someone sparkly like Kylie to cover this and we need it NOW!

Malena Ernman - La Voix (Sweden)
This burly blonde opera singer looks like she could handle herself in a fight, but comes over all ladylike in fabulous floor length Shirley Bassey dress. She warbles in a very competent mezzo soprano style to an up tempo disco track, while hunky dancers in pointy hats parade around her. Her voice is certainly impressive, but the whole thing is so strange and occasionally she sounds like a man.

Fittie watch
Lovebugs - Highest Heights (Switzerland)
I can’t really tell if these guys are cute because the screen I’m watching on is too small, but I think one of them might have potential on a larger screen so they’re in my ‘fittie watch’ column.

This is an inoffensive rock/pop band along the lines of The Script, or Maroon 5. A very competent effort and they come across as quite professional (unlike many others). It’s radio friendly but not necessarily memorable. Switzerland are too neutral to have any friends so I doubt anyone will vote for them unless the one I spied in the back turns out to be fit, which he might not be.

Alexander Rybank - Fairytale (Norway)
I hope I don’t get arrested for this, but I’m pinpointing Rybank as a fittie of the future. You mark my words, in about three years’ time this one is going to be a hottie. Remember, I’m the one who spotted Robert Pattinson’s potential years ago when he was still plain old Cedric Diggory in Harry Potter, so I know what I’m talking about. (I promise I’m not a cradle robber!)

The song is awful and he is desperately out of tune, but bless him he does play the violin and wrote the song himself so I’ll cut him some slack.

Game for a laugh
Copycat (Belgium)
This is a 50s style rock n roll/jive track featuring a fat Elvis impersonator and two trannies and pink wigs. Memorable lyrics include: “He’s a copycat trying to steal my soul, but he’s too fat to rock and roll”.

Inga & Anush (Armenia)
This track channels the banghra beats of Slumdog Millionaire and features two large Armenian ladies in bright coloured saris shaking their money makers. Unfortunately this whole thing is so last season and they look like Quality Streets.

Spooky kooky
Gypsy.cz (Czech Repulic)
This is truly the worst thing I’ve ever seen in Eurovision, and I’ve witnessed some really bad stuff. It starts out like a gypsy campfire song, and then this dilweed in a skintight PVC catsuit with a cape jumps out and starts rapping in a weird language that even his bandmates don’t seem to understand.

Marko Kon & Milaan (Serbia)
This accordion led yodel odelling tune features a weird half spoken/half sung deep vocal in what I presume is Serbian. The thing that disturbs me most is the bizarre wafro singing the lead (wafro being a white man with a blonde afro). There’s no real melody, but a pretty girl comes out and does the tango with wafro half way through. Stranger things have happened in Eurovision but I really hope they don’t win. They also bring out a suitcase full of money at the end, perhaps by way of a bribe for votes?

Svetlana Loboda - Be My Valentine (Ukraine)
I sort of love this but she’s more coo coo than Lady Gaga and puts me off a bit. Is she a porn star? Is she a man? Is she an avant garde artist or a sculpture? Also, I’m sure she says ‘you’re a sexy bum bum’ half way through. Parts of the song are genius (I love the tribal drums) but it’s too long and there are too many elements that don’t tie together neatly.

On the fence
Elena - The Balkan Girls (Romania)
According to Elena, Balkan Girls like to party, but it seems they’re not too good at it. It’s got a jumpy latin-esque beat and at the start I was ready to join in the Balkan boogie but it didn’t really get going. The vocal is a little whiny and it’s not up tempo enough to dance to, although this could be one that comes alive on the night.

Sinead Mulvey and Black Daisy - Et Cetera (Ireland)
I really wanted to like this girly rock/pop quintet because they have nice shoes and they are our neighbours after all, but unfortunately the song is a bit weak. It’s an American style guitarfest and they put on funny transatlantic accents, so there’s nothing here to tell you they’re Irish. It’s not that I expect tin whistles and stuff, but it comes across as a bit of an act.

Brinck - Believe Again (Denmark)
This guy looks a bit like Tin Tin but otherwise is a bit of a nobody. I suppose he is notable because his song was co-written by Boyzone’s Ronan Keating and you can tell. Unfortunately, it’s a bland, non event of a song and it’s almost like he’s doing an impression of Ronan with his vocal.

Tags: eurovision